Return of the ("Sigh") Grammar Nazi

Alas, it is time once again to mount the anti-tank guns and prepare to take a few pot-shots at the proliferating weird, bland, dumb, lazy, ungrammatical coinages which are appearing just over the horizon of our fair English language.

Just the other day, listening to the radio, I was nauseated to hear an announcer use the phrase "bein' as how..." as an informal conjunction. Other similar constructions--"being that" or "being as"--constitute the same kind of error. What speakers mean by these phrases is either "because" or "since" but they seem unable to avoid using the word being. (Another variation of the same error is "seein' that" or "seein' as how.") These are regarded as "country speech"--especially in the American South--and are unworthy of anyone pretending to practice civilized conversation.

A related problem is the use of "be it that" or, as in a string of options "be they one, or be they another, or be they..." etc. "Be it that" like "being as" or "being that" or (horrors) "being as how" are all yahoo grammar mistakes. And yet you hear these phrases used constantly in the media, usually in situations where the speaker is either uneducated, or wants to sound, or to seem to be, familiar. "Aw shucks, Pee Wee, bein' as how you and me is such great friends,..." etc.

Never use "being that" or "being as" to introduce dependent clauses! Never use "be they" or "be that" in the same way, or to elaborate choice-lists. Instead, use "whether" as in "whether they are" or "whether you have" etc.

The other gripe I have is with the spreading use of clipped participles, i.e., bein', seein', livin' etc. Somehow, these kinds of mock abbreviations have come to be accepted as familiar, politically correct, friendly, easy-going, inoffensive gestures, or as polite, homespun, intimate, humble overtures. In actuality, they are a form of condescension, particularly when used by educated people. When someone wants to put you at ease by "puttin' ya' at-eazze" they probably want something from you, or are saying (in effect) "you're just dumb enough to think that when I used clipped participles in speaking to you, you'll be more likely to believe what I'm tellin' ya, than ya would be if I used grammatically correct language." Don't drop the g (or "ing") sound from participles. It's stupid. Imitating bad speech patterns in an attempt to achieve familiarity is dishonest, or naive, or both.

Out, out!, I say!